By Kathryn Fogg – Founder, Chaos Coffee Club
“I almost didn’t come today” is a sentence I hear at almost every Chaos Coffee Club event. To which I always reply “…but you did come, and you should be proud of yourself.” They did that, they faced a fear, they chose themselves that day and left the room feeling proud.
As the founder and host for a growing women-led community group, it brings me so much joy to know that each and every woman who leaves our space does so with a smile. It makes us realise that we all just want to be connected, to feel seen and heard, and most importantly there’s a mutual acknowledgement that the same worries plague us all when it comes to finding new friends. We just needed someone to create a room to take the sting away. Sure, online connection is fine, but do we ever really feel part of something when we’re behind a screen? We need to feel a connection, to get a vibe, laugh together and physically experience new spaces.
But why does it feel like you need to be fearless to find friendship nowadays?
Gone are the days where we’d meet our BFF on a random night out. It seemed so effortless back then. Now we need to really work at it. We’re seeking deeper connections, someone who’s in the same phase of life as us, and we find over the years, our existing friendships have changed ever so quietly too, it sneaks up on you, but of course our foundations of friendship will change; we’re not the same woman as we were 20 years ago, how can we be, through all we’ve been through, this is completely normal.
In a fast-paced world where social media dominates, we can all get swept up in the “we’re only posting the best parts of our lives” hype, but the more we host events the more we hear women asking the same questions before they come;
“How do I make friends as an adult?”
“Why does it now feel so hard?”
“How do I go to things on my own?”
“What if I feel awkward?”
It’s real life questions like these, that make us even more determined to help women of all ages and stages of life come together for a chat over a brew. It’s not that we have forgotten the art of making friends, we know the fundamentals of doing it, it’s just a question of where & when it happens. It feels hard when life is full, energy is low and confidence wobbles. It’s not always the event, sometimes it’s the walking in alone.
So, what if the issue isn’t people, but the lack of spaces created with you in mind?
One of the biggest challenges women face when making the decision to find new connections is walking into the room, it feels scary, uncomfortable and quite frankly…draining. I remember booking a vision board making class and was quietly excited, as I’d never been to one before, but understandably nervous at the same time.
I parked up and I can only describe it as I just froze in the car, all those fears suddenly crept in. I was just sitting there, debating whether or not to go in…alone. I probably looked crazy! I did eventually go in, but it took a bucket load of self-talk and reminding myself why I was there in the first place, to actually get myself out the car. However, it wasn’t long into the class before I decided that particular space wasn’t for me. It seemed like everyone was already paired up, I initiated conversation but it was never fully reciprocated, and I was left feeling deflated.
You feel like you’re the problem, that you should’ve tried harder and you reside to the fact that maybe you don’t fit in, & never will, but in truth, it was not me at all, it was bad hosting! Concentrating only on the louder, more confident people doesn’t feel inclusive, it feels safe.
Where is the compassion for the ladies who come on their own?
Maybe you’ve not actually thought of it like this before, but imagine going to an event and knowing exactly where you need to go. Before you even get there, the host tells you ahead of time what door to enter, where the cafe is, which staircase to go up, and they’ve also let you know what the host will be wearing, so you can spot them easily. You enter the room and are greeted warmly from someone who knows your name. Automatically, and understandably, your stress levels are reduced. You’re no longer looking & feeling awkward about who’s who, whilst doing that awkward glance to other ladies around you, telepathically saying to each other “are you with the
group?”.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think hosts are purposefully ignoring elements like these, I just think not a lot of people are hyper-aware of what this social fear is and how we can alleviate a lot of that fear. By introducing, small, but thoughtful details, could literally make women switch their decision from “not going” to “going”, and keep their nervous system in tact, not in tatters.
So you felt brave, agreed to attend…what now?
The date’s set and you forget about it for a while – I swear I am confident until there’s a calendar reminder! And as the day approaches your stomach drops, you feel the dread hitting you with thoughts of rejection, what if we’re awkward, what will we talk about. Should I just cancel? Safety is comfortable, but it’s not always the best option long term.
Why we would even contemplate swapping our night in, bingeing a Netflix series, with sitting in our car, like me, debating whether or not to go in? Because by making the choice to show up for yourself and taking that chance no matter how scary, might just be the best decision you could make for your future you.
I can say firsthand that not all spaces are created equal, some rooms just won’t be for you, and that’s OK, but don’t let one room dictate where you belong, because there are spaces that exist with you in mind, and it’ll be your turn to finally say “I almost didn’t come today, but I’m glad I did”.
More about the Chaos Coffee Club
Kathryn Fogg is the founder of the Chaos Coffee Club, a private group for ladies in Newton-le-Willows who want to get together and make new friends, which welcomes new members with open arms.
Kathryn was inspired to set up the group after living in Newton for several years, and realising she didn’t know very many people.
She now organises these ladies’ meet-ups, at various venues in the town, so that people like her can get to know each other in a relaxed and pressure-free environment, have a laugh and enjoy being in a group.
Interested to get involved? The group next meet on 1 August and 7 November 2026. The first step is to join their Facebook group, or follow them on Instagram (@chaos_coffee_club) where you can get to know some of the ladies virtually, and help plan the next real-life meet up!
Want to let us know about a local group you’re involved with? Drop us an email to news@newtonlewillowsnews.co.uk.